For persons who are impaired by the ritual of ordering, there tends to be an overwhelming need to be in control of one's environment. If the items on one's desk are not put away exactly in their proper spot the world might be a much more threatening place. Imagine the unpredictable and threatening nature of the universe if things tended to not be just where they were left. With ordering as a manifestation of OCD and OCPD it is not uncommon to find a person placing and replacing items over and over again until they feel they have gotten it exactly right. Ordering also entails the placement of items in geometric symmetry.
Parallel lines and even spacing seem to be of paramount importance. A client used to euphemistically refer to his stacks of items as "anal piles," amusingly recognizing his own need for obsessive structure. Symmetry can also be sought after in an obsessive way. Having to keep the world perfectly balanced can lead to rituals where items would need to be perfectly and evenly spaced. Touching both sides of an object or ones right and then left leg are also other examples of symmetry.
Owning Truth We all periodically have such confidence in what we are saying that statements such as "I'm sure of it" or "The fact of the matter is For others, refusing to yield to the "correct perspective" often entails encountering tension and discord.
This manifestation of OCPD entails one's adamantly guarding his dogmatic beliefs to such a degree that casual conversation often converts minor disagreements into heated debates. The relative importance of any topic i. Perhaps there are a few variables on this planet, which are beyond debate in their apparent universal truthfulness. An example belief would be that "The Mormon's practice of marrying more than one woman is illegal and absolutely wrong.
It is not unheard of for someone with OCPD to feel that he is flexible due to an occasional shift in his beliefs. If one listens carefully, the shift in position can be dramatic and equally dramatic is the degree to which the new truth is held as fact. The knowledge that abortion is "murder" can be converted to the fact that the freedom to chose represents every woman's "God Given" right to make decisions about her own body.
Most examples of this particular cognitive shift would tend to go in the opposite direction. It would not be unusual for an OCPD sufferer to literally take delight in being wronged, since it affords them, what they perceive, as the justified opportunity to deliver a steep punishment. The term "righteous indignation" was probably conceived with this perspective in mind. Crossing a person with OCPD provides her the license to hold a grudge and forever hold your mistake over your head. In the process of attempting conflict resolution, the non-OCPD might discover that every minute the quagmire becomes deeper and deeper.
It is almost as if the mere effort to find resolution is a punishable offense. In a close relationship, encountering this zone of contempt is bewildering and frightening. All one wants to do is to bring this controversy to an end, and then, you are punished for not being willing to deal with the issue at hand. Within this zone, the person with OCPD feels a great need to bring about absolute clarity for the issue to be resolved. Once again this need for the perfect resolution creates a seemingly never ending tweaking of the issues.
Agreeing to disagree is rarely a reasonable solution and often not in the scope of the OCPD's world. For many who have close contact with an OCPD sufferer there can be a pervasive experience of being ill at ease, while in the company of someone with OCPD. Often, being with persons who evidence this diagnosis, feels like walking in a field of land mines.
One never knows when your going to step on one and pay a heavy emotional price for crossing the rigid standards. This ever present threat creates a tremendous amount of trepidation, resentment, and tension. These land mines can present themselves in association with seemingly random topics. Within marital or familial relationships the divisiveness of this condition is most felt.
Since ideology and correctness is placed before love and loyalty, divisiveness can break familial ties. Spouses can be subjected to daily scrutiny and given repeated feedback in a non-loving or supportive manner. The standard bearer must run his or her house like a tight ship -- from the children being kept in line seen but not heard to the outside appearance of the house, well manicured and tidy.
The expression, both physically and emotionally, of tender feelings for "loved ones" is often painfully absent. Corporal punishment is not unusual since the mentality of "spare the rod and spoil the child" is even endorsed in the Bible.tropcabssizzvopost.cf/neuropsychology/kiss-me-twice.pdf
Mental Disorders • View topic - How to talk to someone with OCPD
Wreaking humiliation seems to be just punishment since it closely approximates the inner experience of the OCPD sufferer's reaction to being wronged. In I was working in a university outpatient clinic with a child who's academic performance had lapsed far behind his intellectual capacity. Near the end our successful treatment I brought in the father of my client. My objective was to see if I might transfer the positive changes, which had occurred in the course of treatment, to the home.
Near the end of the session I asked the father whether he was proud of his son for bringing up his grades so dramatically. I'll never forget the father's response in front of this child. In interpersonal relationships we all tend to hope for a little leeway in being given feedback for mistakes that we make. Persons with OCPD tend not to find it within themselves to provide a nurturing environment where being human and fallible is expected.
Instead they feel put upon by others' mistakes and take license in extracting a heavy toll for even an initial infraction -- "Person's should know better and mistakes are just not to be tolerated. It is not uncommon to become convinced that the OCPD sufferer actually takes delight in the heated nature of conflict. For those familiar with the OCPD's style, bailing out of a conversation and avoiding future areas of debate, is a pervasive response pattern.
Not surprisingly this style of interaction has devastating effects on the great majority of relationships persons with OCPD have. Fault finding is the tendency for OCPD's to chronically pick out the flaws in others, especially those close enough to them to mention it. For the OCPD sufferer, it is not uncommon for him to seek out the company of a significant other where his partner's personal disposition is that of being passive and non-conflictual.
For a long-term significant relationship to survive with this diagnosis, it is almost essential for the partner to have great depths of resilience or dependency. Many OCPD relationships involve a clear distinction between the domineering and controlling spouse and the passive-dependent spouse.
Mail order brides have sometimes provided an outlet for otherwise frustrated men who have found it difficult to cope with the ever-evolving power structure of women within today's western society. Isolation due to rigidly held high standards is also a common result of OCPD. When perfectionistic standards are applied toward a partner's minute bodily defects or quirky personal style, the devastation wreaked within intimacy is astounding.
I have all too often worked with clients who have legitimized ending relationships due to such minutiae as a significant others bad breath, small shoe size, or eyebrow thickness. An article written in New York Magazine, a few years ago, portrayed a satirical conversation which went something like this: When this aspect of OCPD is manifested there is typically a pattern of failed relationships. The sufferer tends to consistently withdraw from a relationship soon after the development of intimacy. The awareness of the defect in one's partner as time goes on becomes so magnified, that after a while, the slight flaw which was not even noticed initially, becomes the only feature which is seen.
Poor social skills are often a consequence of a life-long pattern of rigid thinking. Being motivated to attend to subtle cues within one's social environment is lost due to the overriding perspective that "my way is the right way. Whereas in a novel social setting, decorum pressures persons to withhold extreme positions, the OCPD sufferer feels that a lack of genuineness is wrong and being totally open, no matter what the consequence, is the only option.
In professional relationships, subordinates of many OCPD's are often intimidated and frequently berated. Staff may experience tremendous inhibition in speaking freely about topics where there is not absolute certainty regarding the correctness of the statements. This environment facilitates the stifling of creativity and risk taking. Often the chain of command from above reinforces or ignores this style, since it appears that the manager is just being vigilant and instilling the company's commitment to excellence. Friendships how ever long lasting they may be are often tenuous at best.
Living with Someone Who Has Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder
Persons with OCPD, at the more extreme end of the continuum, project an air of consternation and rigidity. The eventual breakdown of casual relationships comes as a consequence of chronic tension and failed expectations. The internal schema style of viewing life circumstances of the sufferer is incapable of learning from these repeated failures due to the dogged conviction that the other person was at fault, and therefore the termination of the relation was justified.
Strict Moral Standards "Premarital sex is wrong and it means that persons are tainted if they have ever engaged in it. Moral righteousness and preaching morality as a dogmatic necessity is not an uncommon expression of OCPD. The avoidance of discussing religion or politics is certainly wise in the presence of the OCPD sufferer. Both of these realms are steeped in the potential for the OCPD sufferer's truth to override consideration and respect.
In I flew with a client to Boston to aid him in his fear of flying. While at the airport in Boston we walked past a booth representing some very conservative organization Linden LaRouch I believe. Out of nowhere, my 6'4" male client reached over the booth and grabbed the innocent fellow by the collar. My client proceeded to yell about the toxic ideology that this booth represented. In that moment this client graduated from fear of flying and commenced with a long year of work related to helping him let go of truth and anger.
One of our agreed upon goals was for him to become more available to his friends, who had expressed that they were afraid to discuss any topic which he disagreed with. Our successful outcome boiled down to my client's willingness to replace "truth" with expressing his opinion in terms of degrees of confidence.
Excessive religious observance as in, strict adherence to ritualistic aspects of daily or weekly routines, is a potential component of OCPD. She was crying when she told me this. I felt like I had to be perfectly honest with her by telling her that I would have never went out with her to begin with if she had told me that. I tried to reassure her that I love her and cared about her and her daughter. I told her that I wished we could go back and recapture what we had the first month and a half. I suggested that "we both" go and find someone who could help us sort this out.
That I loved her enough to go get help. She said she wanted some time to think about it and she would call me. That she didn't understand why people would have to show others affection or be able to talk about it. She said I was trying to change her. I might have went about it the wrong way but I truly had her best interest at heart.
I still love her and I know without a doubt I will always miss her.
My OCPD Husband Can't Tolerate My 'flaws'
I tried to call but she want answer her phone. I left several messages trying to get her to talk to me. I hate that it has ended like this. It has been very hard. I'm hoping one day she will look back and realize what has happened and seek some help. If by any chance I have planted a seed of doubt in her head, maybe later on even after another failed relationship she will seek help.
That would really make me feel good. She has a wonderful daughter that really needs her love. Maybe that will be the turning point. I felt like I did the right thing. You know, looking back you always second guess yourself. One of the hard things about all this is that she works at the place where I swim each day after work.
I swim for the knee problems I have and its the only pool in 50 miles! I have to go, I'm just going to have to find a way to cope with all this. Like I said I still love her and I know it would be a bumpy road but when you care about someone enough you will try to help. I do realize that if they want except help you have to turn away. They'll only do it when there ready. If you pressure him, he will likely react with more defensiveness, which in his case seems to be manifest as distancing. The more you push him to get close to you; to accept you; the more you are likely to see him pull away.
Daniel A. Bochner, Ph.D.
You will never be able to read his mind, and even if you could, why would you want to? Since you are asking, I do recommend that you be you, and make yourself comfortable as you can.
It is ultimately the only way you have to not become resentful. You need to be able to assert your right to be yourself, but you also need to find compromise with your husband in areas where he cannot tolerate too much of your way of doing things. One way you might cope with the situation is to negotiate a few spaces within the marriage where he does not need to surrender his identity or way of doing things, and also a few spaces where your way rules. Such spaces might be literal places, like a few rooms in the house that he gets to decorate, clean and keep ordered or disordered as he and he alone sees fit.
Such spaces might also be metaphorical, and pertain to more abstract parts of the marriage, such as how the banking will be managed. Many successful marriages function in this manner, with the partners divying up responsibility for different aspects of their shared lives and agreeing that what is in their domain is theirs. Of course, to be successful, such a strategy needs to be reciprocal, with each parter having domains that are theirs.
If you can make it work, it will work well. It all depends on what his attitude is towards the problem. If he is open to seeing his own role in creating the problem, then he is more likely open to the therapy process.
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